Happiness, needs and movies

In a world where everyone loves movies, I tend to feel somewhat lost at times. I remember the situations when I tried to be part of a group going to the cinema or meeting to watch Horror movies or B-movies. I never got a lot from these gatherings. It may be a kind of bandwidth-problem, not being able to dedicate attention to both the movie and the people, thus ending up with no memories of the people, but scenes of the movie burnt in my mind forever (and starting to play back randomly 10 years later). At some point I decided to stop to have my mind cluttered with trashy plots and sat with the back to the screen, involving someone in a game. Which proved to be a good solution. For not getting invited anymore, most notably. Not so much for keeping a friend circle (:

Listening to an audiobook concerning needs and emotions gave the idea to try to better understand at which point I'm failing society here. Why do we immerse ourselves in entertainment all the time? Which basic needs are behind that, and how comes that I relate to some of these needs, but completely lack understanding of others?

--------- Needs ----------

Let's first make a quick and completely insufficient summary about the extensive topic of basic needs.

What we seek:

Pleasure. Gain. Appreciation. Integration. Security. Purpose.

What we avoid:

Pain. Loss. Scorn / exclusion. Loneliness. Insecurity. Boredom.

Without being aware of it, we can spend our whole lives seeking and avoiding. Chasing an idea of happiness, good emotions, lasting forever. Refusing to accept bad emotions. When we feel excluded, bored, lonely or even tired than something seems to be wrong - something is up with us, our lives, our ways. Something is missing. Something needs to be fixed. Or isn't it?

This may feel like an inevitable truth of life for us Europeans. But in fact this way of thinking is rooted in our culture and education. I did not get any occasion to get aware of this pattern in 31 years of dabbling in hopes and worries. But in Buddhism for example, people have centuries old wisdom about the art of being present. This means being aware of their own seeking and avoiding mechanisms, and questioning it. Learning to accept the emotions you want to avoid. To settle in uncertainty, to appreciate the ephemeral nature of the moment. They also learn a great deal of compassion. May every human feel this happiness that I feel in this moment. May my enemy be happy, then there won't be any hate. May I feel the pain that I feel in this moment, so that others can be free. May all living beings be free of suffering.

---------- Society clinging to certainty ----------

One remarkable Buddhist instruction is: Let go of your hopes and fears.

Remarkable because the idea feels a bit disturbing to let go hope, as a strategy leading to awareness and compassion. Here in Europe, behind our well-treated front gardens, we have grown up with the echo of the bible, no matter how religious we are ourselves (or not). Our ideology teaches compassion, but is driven by hope and fear. The society growing on this ideology likes certainty.

Happiness is a work contract at a company. A profession to spend our life with. A partner to marry, promising to take responsibility for all our needs for all our life. A stable income to take a credit to buy a house to live in. Then having children, to pass things on.

Uncertainty, for us this means not knowing how our life will look like in 5 years from now. It's horrible.

In other times or other places, people have seen their homes getting destroyed, their loved ones getting killed. Certainty is a luxury that people in the past did not have, and people in other parts of the world still today can't hope for. I guess that, for these people, the idea may feel ridiculous to dedicate yourself to any material project supposed to last all your life. Because you never can be sure how the world will look like tomorrow. The only certainty you have for sure for all your life is your own heart and mind. If you want to build something, build it there. And get comfortable with the idea to adapt and to let go.

My ancestors had a distillery in Eastern Prussia (the former part of Germany today belonging to Russia). I don't know anything about the life they were living there - only that they left it behind when it became a bad place to be living as a German. They came to the remaining part of Germany with nothing else but the hope for a restart. But it did not protect them from war. My grandparents were confronted with the choice to obey or to desert. Finally Germany became divided and my parents happened to be locked inside of the Eastern part which was directed by Russia. It was a corrupt system dictating their education, which jobs to take for common population, when to marry (early 20s), where to travel (Russia) and where not (France), what to say aloud and what better not dare to think. Then the German wall fell and suddenly there was some freedom. Again the world constants turned. Many structures in Eastern Germany closed down and again my parents left, searching stability for the young family in the South-West.

This was not long ago. It's recent enough that it had a high impact on my own life - moving places during early school years, trying to integrate as an outsider, struggles, benefits. Maybe your story is a similar one. Maybe it's not and you're living in the house of your grandparents.

Growing up in 30 years of peace, certainty and freedom of thought... what a blessing this is, compared to the mess in the rest of the world! The wars, extreme poverty, corruption, authoritarian government... that feels far away for us western Europeans, doesn't it? We're protected from war (meanwhile Ukraine happened after I wrote this article, causing disturbing cracks in the reality on the other side of our garden fence). Hurricanes are USA's problems, Earth quake and Tsunami and are Asia's. Nuclear disasters can't happen here because our technology is safe an clean. Law will protect us against everything else as long we pay our bills. Someone will manage this financial crisis, somehow. And for the climate... well no one really knows.

So let's enjoy these precious weekends.

Let's watch a movie.

---------- Movies, entertainment ----------

Trying to trace down this bewildering decision of mankind to our basic needs, I talked to people who enjoy movies. The decision to push a button to take a break from your own reality can be (1) a strategy of avoiding pain, resulting from the lack of something or a situation involving emotions we see as negative: Worries, loneliness, boredom. It can also be a (2) wish to experience pleasure, excitement and strong emotions without needing to take risks or effort. We enjoyed listening to stories before times of screens and probably before inventing the wheel. Once an efficient way of learning values and knowledge which was fun and useful for survival, the same curiosity gets these descendants of the cave men onto their living room sofa in eager expectation to experience intense emotions while staying in security. I still find it hard to understand what made my grandparents - the most peaceful people on earth - voluntarily dedicate their calm evenings to stories of murder, jealousy, loss and trauma.... but finding pleasure in intense emotions may be related to a curiosity to grow over ourselves, to explore new grounds, to imagine and to invent. It's simply a (somehow) enjoyable challenge for the brain.

A friend mentioned that, for some people, watching movies may give a feeling of purpose (3). Finding purpose is a tricky subject for every one of us in a world where we carry the burden of freedom to make our own choices. The monsters threatening our world are difficult to challenge, and dying for a greater cause is also no longer state of the art. It can be inspiring to escape into the role of a hero in an environment where purpose is more obvious - and then staring at the mirror, determined to transform yourself or the world with your bare force of will. We might experience a feeling of purpose by watching our heroes as an orientation for our own identity - developing sense for f.e. virtues, society, style, humor. Well. At least for the virtues transmitted by ordinary people needing to come up with witty dialogs under the pressure of deadlines, quotes and money.

Aside from that, purpose can mean fitting a role in society that is easy and obvious. Since everyone likes movies, involving yourself with movies gives you plenty of occasions to feel included, things to talk about, an identity in your social environment that is adaptive to (more or less) all your friends.

Of course the same is true for reading books, playing games, surfing TikTok (like the cool kids!) - depending on our preferred rhythm and level of activity to enjoy our distraction. Games provide us with little challenges, rewards, things to collect to progress our game identity which is quick and obvious - something that seems to be retarded in real life, where quests tend to take a lot of energy and feel endlessly slow, repetitive and hard to view through. Many games encourage connecting with other players and, with your game identity, finding the connection, appreciation and purpose that's missing in real life.

Music also fits into the line of our daily entertainment consume, of course. Amazement, tenderness, energy in bits and bytes. Emotions delivered through the push of the button. Sounds like a drug? Well. It's scary.

"Slow TV" seemed to be something quite popular here in Norway (not sure if it still is a thing, with streaming taking over). These programs showed a ship or train travelling through the beautiful Norwegian landscape for hours. Without anybody being murdered or falling in love. And no one trying to sell you a vacuum cleaner either. It was merely moving image, setting a mood like music. People used to have it run in background while doing household or other activities. No space for heavy distraction, no need for larger emotions than the view of mountains and sea.

Hey. Is it a surprise that I'm establishing some agreement with this culture?

---------- Damage ----------

With all these nice ways of consuming emotions we like and avoiding emotions we don't like, let's consider that we're caught in addiction. We're addicted to pleasure, on a cultural level. Our conditioned brains demand pleasure and distraction in a habit - and react in withdrawal symptoms (commonly mistaken for boredom) as soon the habit is broken. Of course it's harmless, like a junkie would say, we're adults and everyone is responsible for themselves. It's not that we need it, that we couldn't miss out on our favourite YouTube channels (except for the ones who can't indeed). The root of our insatisfaction is somewhere out there, a society which can't give us the respect and certainty we deserve... right?

The brain, this complex result of an evolution lasting ages of time, shows countless flaws within society and technology evolving in rocket speed. It's almost impossible to not lose orientation. Not not get lost in fear (global competition), depression (too much judgement), addiction (make photo, get likes!). Our mechanisms are as harmful as they make sense, keep us surviving and evolving. Media made me question my ways, not a Buddhist teacher stopping me on the road in Strasbourg centre to share her wisdom with me. I was lying in bed with a fever and searched for a way to avoid pain and boredom. Listening to the book proved to be interesting and comforting, so I continued it to find pleasure. Seeking and avoiding is a part of human nature, a strong energy and motivation to develop yourself and to become a better person.

The damage in our behavior of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain shows up when we, sadly, lack the ability to just be happy. We may spend our whole life chasing a fairytale vision of lasting happiness, or draining ourselves in a rat race because of fear (of losing status). Too busy with our hopes and fears to take consideration for others, for the environment, for the consequences of our way of life. We think we are unhappy because we lack something for the perfection we imagine. We fight to fill that lack - and, once succeeded, discover a new lack. Does this mean that - like commonly understood in Germany - real happiness does not exist?

Or are we maybe searching at the wrong place?

---------- Learning to be present ----------

I can confirm that our minds are well-trained in getting side-tracked into dreams and worries, whatever we're doing. While eating for example. While having a walk. While being with friends. While having sex. Occasions during which we could have plenty of impressions (sensations) to enjoy. It's interesting to learn to get aware of whenever this happens.

But what does this mean, being able to be present? To just feel whatever you're feeling, without needing to distract yourself, or to entertain yourself, to judge anything, to change anything, to achieve anything? Is it a super power?

It's interesting to try to catch the moment when we reach out for the phone /remote control to push that entertainment button. To hold on and to ask: What is my need in this moment?

Maybe you are stressed or exhausted. It may be mere habit. It may be not really distraction which you need, but quite the opposite - sitting down for a moment, closing the eyes, making space for thoughts or feelings. Often you may be avoiding something. Maybe loneliness. Maybe worries about something you should do, but don't have the energy in this moment.

One phenomenon of avoiding is that it makes things seem huge and scary. Like this creepy shadow in the corner of your eye. It's so normal to want to push these emotions away, to escape in one way or another, that we don't even get the idea that we could learn to look into them instead. And see them as what they really are. Without ever having trained this, it can't even be called refusal. It's simply, sadly, incapability. To sit down and to realize: I'm feeling lonely in this moment. It's a tight feeling in my chest. It's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me or my life. It is just one facette of the spectrum of emotions, of being alive. It has its own, special taste, sometimes painful, but by default neither bad or good. Maybe this emotion, this experience holds a bit of wisdom that can't be found elsewhere, even if it is hard to grasp what it is. Be it only a seed to grow compassion with others.

There is much more wisdom to find in these old teachings. About letting go of judgement, about getting aware of your moods instead of acting out, about not getting caught up in your own vision of things. All of this is very relevant for daily life and struggles in society today - a different perspective / mindset which is more appreciating and respectful, and less demanding / destructive.

Learning to see and to question our trained protection mechanisms is a challenge. It can be standing in the rain and feeling the sensation of the drops on the skin. Standing in the cold wind and exploring a sensation which makes us feel uncomfortable, but also can be refreshing in moments. Taking a cold shower and welcoming a sensation which is so intense that there is no other choice than being present, sensing every breath and movement. It means consciously dropping the judgement and anticipation we learned, but instead opening up to the whole palette of impressions (sensations, emotions) which life has to offer.

Once comfortable with staying, feeling and exploring, the push on the pleasure button will not be a need anymore, but a choice. Wouldn't it be an enrichment to life if we could, between our enjoyable distractions, experience ourselves in the present moment? Maybe, one day, we could even be able to experience enjoyable distractions between our present moments. Maybe we would discover that what we consider as boredom does not exist.

Sophie

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Inspired by Pema Chödrön

I love the place where I live, work in a job I like, have good friends, a great partner. The days are melting into each other. Feeling a bit tired, a bit cold, a bit hungry, a bit exhausted when you have been training... this makes time go slower. I miss this in my life.

-- a friend from Finland