Spinning teenage dreamworld timbres

In a basement club in a small town in Southern Germany - 2005

As mentioned in the previous article, I have good memories with the beginnings of my teens. I mostly managed to be part of one or another group, played cards and console games with the boys and was invited to pyjama parties with the girls where we listened to Atomic Kitten, invented dance sequences and talked about boys. Short: I had good preconditions for a very normal happy teenage life.

But it was not meant to be. Bad group constellations, the spite of adolescents on their way to learn empathy and a rising awareness to a more and more painful family atmosphere turned my life inside out during a time of just 1-2 years. I sought refuge in the one thing that deeply touched my teenage heart and did not depend on people rejecting me: Electronic music, and soon, the internet.

Out of an intuition I searched for a music forum, and found one. It was a place of young adults all over Germany listening to emotional music (some of them producing it themselves). A paradise far more adult (as I told myself) than my daily environment which was hurting and disappointing me. A place where I would not be judged after my looks, but after my writings and doings. They also seemed to be happy to have a young girl there, so it was a good place to seek the confidence I was missing in real life while hiding my acne-prone face behind funny, self-made avatars. I probably would have written less embarrassing teenage things there, had I not been so eager to prove how grownup I was.

With the background of my musical education and some basic technology from my brother (hey, I have a computer now! And I'm not hesitating to use it ;] ), I made my first attempts to produce my own music, which seemed to make an impression in the forum. One of the guys contacted me per messenger and helped me to find a better software - and to learn it. He started to mentor me through my first songs, while starting to publish his own at the same time. One of his songs was made together with a friend.

"How do you produce music together with someone?", I asked one day.

"Well, one manages the software, the other one sits behind munching sweets", he responded.

The beauty of this idea burnt a lasting impression into my mind. Producing music together... sharing the creative flow, the excitement, the ideas. This must be the most beautiful thing on earth.

But I had nobody to share in my environment, so I kept doing both tasks myself in front of my computer, hoping eagerly for better times to come.

At that time I made maybe the most stupid decision of my life. I quit all my social activities to focus all my leisure energy on that new activity that felt like that destination everyone was talking about. Real life did not matter any longer. It was just an annoying, exhausting obligation to get past until getting back to the computer and to finish the next track. Until growing up and choosing my own environment. I think that was also the point where I stopped to open the blind before my window, this fateful point of no return on the highway to nerd life.

My mother sent me to an appointment with the conductor of the orchestra I was playing in, who I appreciated a lot. There I stared at the wall while he tried to convince me not to quit.

"What's with the cabin week? Won't you miss that?", he asked.

I finally turned to him, tears in my eyes. Then I explained him that I felt destined to make other music.

"What kind if music?", he asked suspiciously.

Well...

"Trance", I said.

He laughed. Then he gave up and let me go. Seems I was a hopeless case.

When I turned 15, I read, rubbing my eyes unbelieving, the name of my town appear in the events announcements of the forum. They were planning a meeting... which happened to be just in the little town in Southwest Germany where I went for higher school. Far from the well known music hotspots (Berlin, Frankfurt, Amsterdam).

I never had been in a club before. That was a strange feeling to walk through the town that had turned into a hopeless place for me during daylight - expecting to find my dreamworld here, at this one evening. I passed the shopping center in the inner town, usually a place of young and old women shopping things they did not need to dress up and boost their confidence, now closed and silent... except for the rhythmical beat coming from somewhere underneath.

Yeah. They're actually here!

They had suggested me to come before the official opening hours to avoid discussion with the doormen. I checked my looks in a mirror to boost my c... well. I walked down the stairs into an arched basement filled with red light. And there were my friends, who had come a few 100 km from other parts of Germany to reach this place. Among them was my music producing mentor. He greeted me. He was maybe 20 at that time, tall and slim, short blond hair. A gentle smile, a calm aura. Somewhat timid. And very quiet, but this was maybe due to the volume of the music which the host cast through the arched basement in that moment, successfully preventing any further acoustic communication. Heartfully produced trance music pressed on vinyl, spinning on the turntables, picked up by a needle, lead through mixer, amplifier, speakers, air, protective earplugs and then still doing some considerate damage in the ears. (He actually played one of my songs on one of the following events. Probably to make me happy. Which worked.)

The next few hours were the happiest I had spent since a long time. People came and filled the small club. Colourful lights and lasers were launched and I finally could enjoy the music I loved so much together with other people, sometimes throwing a very anxious look over my shoulder to the back of the club... where my dad was sitting on a wooden bench with a very serious face. Or maybe just his normal face in the dim light.

My mentor was scheduled to take over the turntables for the main hour starting at 1:00 at night. I was expecting a set of beautiful music from him, including his own, and dearly looked forward to watch him play.

At 0:30 suddenly my father stood before me.

No... that's not true... please...

But he was merciless. He took me out of the club. I could hear the beats while we were walking through the deserted town to the car. It broke my heart. To leave behind my online friends in this night, which I had been looking forward to for weeks, at the moment it was just about to begin. To watch the pictures and hear the music sets posted in internet afterwards, again and again, wishing desperately I could have been there. It hurt to accept to enter in a state of emotional hibernation again, awaiting eagerly the next event half a year later which would allow me to become alive again for some precious hours. But this night could never be revived. The music changed, the people became occupied with other stuff and I never saw my mentor again.

------

Dear parents of Sophie,

I write this letter to you because I think that your daughter needs your help. I'm not sure if you're aware of what's going on.

Sophie never lied to you. She's never been drunk, mainly because she refuses to touch any alcohol, cigarettes or other drugs. She did not wish for expensive toys and never asked you for money. Some years ago she smashed a window while playing, but honestly regrets that. She does not want to cause problems. She does not want to cost money, and she's doing her best to avoid to be in your way.

There are a few things she dearly loves. One of that is her music (even if it seems stumpy to you, it's actually very emotional music for the heart of a teenager). One other thing, well... she would not want me to tell that to you. But she likes boys. Boys of decency with a sensitive and creative side. Who make beautiful music rather than brainless parties. Who she can see just once or twice a year.

Why do you make her so much ashamed to even admit this to herself? Does it make her a whore? Is she a disappointment for you or have you just forgotten that there's a human being trying to grow up at your place who's yearning to have a life? Who is trying to find her way in a complicated world? Who is terribly lonely?

I have the feeling that you have completely lost track of each other. Why don't you talk to her? Can't you see that she's unhappy? Are you not interested what's happening (or not happening) in her life? Why do you not ask her about her life, but watch over her like she was Rapunzel in the tower as soon she shows any interest in the outside world? Why does it need to be such a big sign of alarm, covered by a blanket of embarrassed silence, over everything that could involve boys or sex?

Please trust her. She seems to be rather smart and cautious, isn't it? If you're afraid that she might meet boys, tell her what she needs to know. TELL her about sex. Don't buy her a book and hope for school to do the rest. Why do you avoid something so important, and actually nice, because of a little awkwardness? What is worse? Some awkwardness - or a lifelong silence?

Show her that she can talk about this with you. That she can talk about her emotions as well. That you respect her. That she does not need to be ashamed for discovering human needs, but that it's an exciting and beautiful part of life that she may explore, and that she may share with you. And if she's attracted to older boys, don't judge her for this, because this just happens in life (and her peers are just idiots at this moment). And if she needs to be out clubbing two nights in a year when the law says that she should be at home, would you take that risk for her - to allow her some rays of light in a way-too-dark life? Give her a pepper spray, watch the phone and let her make her experiences.

Show some curiosity. Try to help her with her acne, because she's too proud to ask, but you know better than her that it's a superficial world and rejection leaves scars for life. Make her feel welcome at home, even if you're not comfortable with a language of love. And, please, give her hugs. Because she really needs to learn that at some place.

A friend from the fut...

Just a friend.